Yo Barns,
13/04/2017
Yo Barns,
I don't know why I started like that, just something new. I had a psychic reading. It wasn't very clear what I should do with regards to you and I. I think the basic jist was to let you go. Sacrifice you if I want to meet me soul mate. There was some stuff about a love triangle. She said maybe you're my soul mate but not right now. She said there's a lot of waiting, "Two years." was my quick retort. Anyway there was no right or wrong choice, I have to go with my souls own intuition. I look for answers because I don't want to know that I've wasted 3/22 years of my life. I could waste more.
14/04/2017
I've ran out of ways to cope. 'D' woke me up with a drunk phone call at 0200 and I realised I'd not heard from you all day, I called you and you text me. You were on a night out. You said you hated everyone. That's why there are lists. You told me I know what you need, you mentioned your anxiety and said you'd probably be single forever. I reacted badly, as I do. I've text you 80 times saying 'Evil' just one word 80 times because you've broke me.
I guess the hard thing is that when you tell me I know what you need, I know I have tried to be that as much as I can. You must understand though, you've hurt me a lot during that process. You let me down so often. Don't make plans you can't keep. Every time I think I'm ok and I'm moving on then you just pull me back. You constantly provide me with enough care to keep me around but never any more than that. You ask me to change but I would never ask for the same in return. I accept you for all of your weaknesses. I loved you regardless of that. I cry. I cry a lot. I cry because of you mostly. I cry because everything I had, has gone. You said you'd call at 0300, well you finally did at 1930. Should I be honoured or angry? Angry. I'm going with angry.
After crying for a few hours, not just because of these trivial things but because of the past three years, you decided to take me for a McDonalds as an apology. We slept together, I knew it would happen. I had a gut feeling. I told you I need to let you go but you wouldn't let me delete my number from your phone. You wouldn't tell me why. All of the being mad, sad and frustrated fades. My anger doesn't last and these bad moments do not make me forget all the good you've done for me. I do not forget the improvements you've made on my life or the magic you've brought in to my existence. I don't forget I love you, even through these awful moments. The awful passes and as much as I know it's there, I also know that there is good with us too. I still need to let you go though. Whether or not you come back to me. It's time for a break. I do love you and there is good as well as bad. It's all ok. It's both ok. The good and the bad is ok. It's hard at times. I don't regret you. I don't have bad feelings towards you and I know you feel the same. What ever is meant to be will work out. It's 0122 and I have my alarm set for 0530. Thank you 'D' for the drunk call and ruining my routine. I hope I get up for work. I love you Barney, it's just not enough is it.
It will be ok. The sadness has passed and I'm ok now. I hope I can keep some space between us, just know that I loved you. You may read this one day, you may not but I loved you. Every time I looked at you I want you to know it was with love. Every good and bad thing I've done to you was out of love. We don't have to be together now or ever but we were and that was real to me, even if it was only real to me. I hope you're ok. I hope you have a good life and find love. Not a love like ours but a pure, true love without the psycho tantrums and the anxiety. I understand why you don't want me.
"I've only got myself to blame for it, and I accept it now
It's time to let it go, go out and start again
But it's not that easy." -Kodaline.
I want to set you free. Be free. Enjoy everything.
With love and admiration,
Always yours,
C.
Yo Barns,
I don't know why I started like that, just something new. I had a psychic reading. It wasn't very clear what I should do with regards to you and I. I think the basic jist was to let you go. Sacrifice you if I want to meet me soul mate. There was some stuff about a love triangle. She said maybe you're my soul mate but not right now. She said there's a lot of waiting, "Two years." was my quick retort. Anyway there was no right or wrong choice, I have to go with my souls own intuition. I look for answers because I don't want to know that I've wasted 3/22 years of my life. I could waste more.
14/04/2017
I've ran out of ways to cope. 'D' woke me up with a drunk phone call at 0200 and I realised I'd not heard from you all day, I called you and you text me. You were on a night out. You said you hated everyone. That's why there are lists. You told me I know what you need, you mentioned your anxiety and said you'd probably be single forever. I reacted badly, as I do. I've text you 80 times saying 'Evil' just one word 80 times because you've broke me.
I guess the hard thing is that when you tell me I know what you need, I know I have tried to be that as much as I can. You must understand though, you've hurt me a lot during that process. You let me down so often. Don't make plans you can't keep. Every time I think I'm ok and I'm moving on then you just pull me back. You constantly provide me with enough care to keep me around but never any more than that. You ask me to change but I would never ask for the same in return. I accept you for all of your weaknesses. I loved you regardless of that. I cry. I cry a lot. I cry because of you mostly. I cry because everything I had, has gone. You said you'd call at 0300, well you finally did at 1930. Should I be honoured or angry? Angry. I'm going with angry.
After crying for a few hours, not just because of these trivial things but because of the past three years, you decided to take me for a McDonalds as an apology. We slept together, I knew it would happen. I had a gut feeling. I told you I need to let you go but you wouldn't let me delete my number from your phone. You wouldn't tell me why. All of the being mad, sad and frustrated fades. My anger doesn't last and these bad moments do not make me forget all the good you've done for me. I do not forget the improvements you've made on my life or the magic you've brought in to my existence. I don't forget I love you, even through these awful moments. The awful passes and as much as I know it's there, I also know that there is good with us too. I still need to let you go though. Whether or not you come back to me. It's time for a break. I do love you and there is good as well as bad. It's all ok. It's both ok. The good and the bad is ok. It's hard at times. I don't regret you. I don't have bad feelings towards you and I know you feel the same. What ever is meant to be will work out. It's 0122 and I have my alarm set for 0530. Thank you 'D' for the drunk call and ruining my routine. I hope I get up for work. I love you Barney, it's just not enough is it.
It will be ok. The sadness has passed and I'm ok now. I hope I can keep some space between us, just know that I loved you. You may read this one day, you may not but I loved you. Every time I looked at you I want you to know it was with love. Every good and bad thing I've done to you was out of love. We don't have to be together now or ever but we were and that was real to me, even if it was only real to me. I hope you're ok. I hope you have a good life and find love. Not a love like ours but a pure, true love without the psycho tantrums and the anxiety. I understand why you don't want me.
"I've only got myself to blame for it, and I accept it now
It's time to let it go, go out and start again
But it's not that easy." -Kodaline.
I want to set you free. Be free. Enjoy everything.
With love and admiration,
Always yours,
C.
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