Hey Barns,
15/04/2017
Hey Barns,
I've been thinking today about why I really need distance from you, this is what I've got so far. I need distance, not because I don't love you but because I do. This unrequited (probably) but beautiful love consumes every part of me. My mind, heart and soul have been taken over by a force greater than I could have ever imagined. This love consumes me to the point of not knowing who or what I am anymore. I live for you rather than myself. I need to love myself again, before I can really love you the way I should. In a not destructive way. You can take a bit of blame, you took away a lot of my self worth. When we met I loved myself. Not so much now. I wasn't looking for love. I was perfectly fine on my own. I liked myself and my life. So when I randomly found love, I was ready. Being with you though, well it chipped away at my self worth. Just stupid stuff like you thinking I should exercise, quit smoking and eat less. To you, that is just a healthy lifestyle and you wanted me to be healthier or something. To me, that is changing who I am and how I roll. As you've probably noticed, I don't cope all that well with people wanting to change anything about me. It honestly felt as if you thought I was too fat or something. When you wanted me to wear make up and make effort, that's all well and good because you do your hair everyday, it hurt me because I felt like the real and raw version of me wasn't pretty enough or something. Normal to you isn't normal to me. I like being fresh faced with natural hair, you like moisturising and doing your hair before your fitness session. It's different, we're different. It's okay. Just don't try to make me fit your mould when I was perfectly fine in my own.
"This love has taken its toll on me
She said goodbye too many times before
And her heart is breaking in front of me
I have no choice 'cause I won't say goodbye anymore." - Maroon 5
I've had a good day at work. I can't believe I did a 12 hour 30 minute shift on such little sleep. I think I got about 3 hours sleep. Thanks for the time we spent together yesterday, it was one of those goodbyes we've done so many times but it just feels more real. I haven't spoken to you today and I hope I keep it up. This distance will be good, however it turns out. At work I've been making Easter decorations. Praise Jesus. I've eaten so much at work but I kind of have to there, to set a good impression for eating etc. I got home and jumped in the shower. I've got a new fitness plan! I actually exercise while I'm in the shower, with my music on. The method to the madness is that I'm clearly naked so the heat can escape my body easily and the heat of the shower helps me lose weight. Sweat it out, as they say. I've been working on my bum and legs mainly. Hurts my knee's though. Weak at the knee's thanks to you. I hope you get that. I'm funny, remember? Nope. I'm hoping to continue my new exercise pathway. I've done it three days in a row. I want to keep exercising and be fit and really put my mind into bettering myself and loving myself again. I haven't really got a lot else to inform you of, regarding what I've done today. Now it is 2200 and I'm ready to sleep but I'm going to watch vampire diaries and get snuggled up in my home made 'Weasley' inspired blanket! Happy days. Happy day. I've just put on a face mask so it's total chill time now. I've got a lift to work from a colleague, so kind. Saves me getting up at 0530, bless her.
I love you.
It'll fade if you don't reach out and that's ok. Maybe one day we will work or maybe one day we will be completely better apart. Thing's will be as they should be. You're good. I love you.
Yours,
C.
Hey Barns,
I've been thinking today about why I really need distance from you, this is what I've got so far. I need distance, not because I don't love you but because I do. This unrequited (probably) but beautiful love consumes every part of me. My mind, heart and soul have been taken over by a force greater than I could have ever imagined. This love consumes me to the point of not knowing who or what I am anymore. I live for you rather than myself. I need to love myself again, before I can really love you the way I should. In a not destructive way. You can take a bit of blame, you took away a lot of my self worth. When we met I loved myself. Not so much now. I wasn't looking for love. I was perfectly fine on my own. I liked myself and my life. So when I randomly found love, I was ready. Being with you though, well it chipped away at my self worth. Just stupid stuff like you thinking I should exercise, quit smoking and eat less. To you, that is just a healthy lifestyle and you wanted me to be healthier or something. To me, that is changing who I am and how I roll. As you've probably noticed, I don't cope all that well with people wanting to change anything about me. It honestly felt as if you thought I was too fat or something. When you wanted me to wear make up and make effort, that's all well and good because you do your hair everyday, it hurt me because I felt like the real and raw version of me wasn't pretty enough or something. Normal to you isn't normal to me. I like being fresh faced with natural hair, you like moisturising and doing your hair before your fitness session. It's different, we're different. It's okay. Just don't try to make me fit your mould when I was perfectly fine in my own.
"This love has taken its toll on me
She said goodbye too many times before
And her heart is breaking in front of me
I have no choice 'cause I won't say goodbye anymore." - Maroon 5
I've had a good day at work. I can't believe I did a 12 hour 30 minute shift on such little sleep. I think I got about 3 hours sleep. Thanks for the time we spent together yesterday, it was one of those goodbyes we've done so many times but it just feels more real. I haven't spoken to you today and I hope I keep it up. This distance will be good, however it turns out. At work I've been making Easter decorations. Praise Jesus. I've eaten so much at work but I kind of have to there, to set a good impression for eating etc. I got home and jumped in the shower. I've got a new fitness plan! I actually exercise while I'm in the shower, with my music on. The method to the madness is that I'm clearly naked so the heat can escape my body easily and the heat of the shower helps me lose weight. Sweat it out, as they say. I've been working on my bum and legs mainly. Hurts my knee's though. Weak at the knee's thanks to you. I hope you get that. I'm funny, remember? Nope. I'm hoping to continue my new exercise pathway. I've done it three days in a row. I want to keep exercising and be fit and really put my mind into bettering myself and loving myself again. I haven't really got a lot else to inform you of, regarding what I've done today. Now it is 2200 and I'm ready to sleep but I'm going to watch vampire diaries and get snuggled up in my home made 'Weasley' inspired blanket! Happy days. Happy day. I've just put on a face mask so it's total chill time now. I've got a lift to work from a colleague, so kind. Saves me getting up at 0530, bless her.
I love you.
It'll fade if you don't reach out and that's ok. Maybe one day we will work or maybe one day we will be completely better apart. Thing's will be as they should be. You're good. I love you.
Yours,
C.
Comments
Post a Comment