Hey Barn,
18/04/2017
Hey Barn,
Not a lot to say again. Less emotion equals less writing. 'D' has been talking to me a fair bit today, it has been absolutely irritating! He shared a post on Facebook just after he'd messaged me on Sunday and I have only just noticed it and the correlation. "Over seven billion people in this work and you think I'm going to chase someone who doesn't even want me? Hahhaha, that's exactly what I'm going to do" is a paraphrase of the post he shared. Not his words exactly but he shared it right after messaging me at a stupid time of morning and I don't think the correlation is my paranoia, I think there really is a correlation. Anyway, he has irritated me. Just by talking to me. I'm very distant, my feelings are fickle and I quit on people pretty soon. That's my version of normal. You're my version of abnormal, as I wasn't so fickle with you. I really loved you, didn't I? I'll always love you but now is the time to love myself, I think I've told you that already.
Less about you and 'D', more about me. That's why I'm doing this isn't it. You said if I wrote a book of my life for the next six months, you'd read it. You we're saying it because you wanted to put across that you want to know what I'm doing and that I'm ok. You want to be updated on my life. That really inspired me to do this and maybe one day you'll actually read this and know the life of me. The life of your love. The life that we do not share.
So I'm sat here with a coffee, instead of at my driving lesson. I didn't cancel it, he did. Before you assume I'm being a lazy, sad lay about. I woke up about 0800 ready to start my day with my fabulous new sleep pattern at it's finest. I called my Nan, we spoke on the phone for a while. I don't really see much of her now I'm busy, it's not fair and I should make more effort. I know that. She's not going to last forever and these are the day's I'll regret. On a lighter note the conversation with Nan was good, I got the family gossip and we were planning out our futures. I started my essay on inequality within healthcare today, mainly the NHS. I'm very pro-NHS and not just for a pay check. I like free healthcare, I like that I can help people at work and hopefully I will like being a nurse. So the essay isn't too bad. I'm not entirely sure if I'm doing it right as I didn't attend as many lessons as I should have but I was sad and sad me isn't motivated to breathe, never mind learn. I've done about three hundred words and I plan to have five hundred done by today, one thousand done by tomorrow and then I will finish the piece on Saturday. This time frame leaves me with Thursday, Friday and Sunday to write my lab report. I may scrape a pass or do better, let's see how well the pressure pushes me towards greatness. I believe all is meant to be though, so if I do not succeed with my grade potential and don't quite get in to Lincoln University (they sent me a size L official Lincoln hoodie by the way, it's epic) my back up plan will be adequate and I will still have the life I was entirely meant to live.
The good thing about my friend group is they really pull me through my bad non-learner weeks. I have a beautiful, intelligent set of class mates and they are friends I am truly grateful for. I hope I can repay the kindness and help. In some way or another. I've found a cool playlist on Spotify for concentration and I think it actually works. It kind of annoys me that I have a different colour font mid paragraph but links would be hard to find if they weren't at all different. So, anyway, I've managed to paint my nails red and watch about four episodes of The Vampire Diaries. I am obsessed with it. I love it. I just don't like the true love break ups, I am totally Team Stefan and Elena! You don't understand any of that but I like it regardless of your opinions. Which is good. So I've procrastinated quite a bit today but still got a fair whack of work done. Imagine how good my grades would be if I really tried? I guess we will never know. I'm so afraid of failing anything that I don't try because then if I fail I can have the excuse that 'it doesn't matter because I didn't try anyway'. It's a solid and real excuse except it normally does matter. Maybe that's what I did with you. I didn't try in case I wasn't good enough either way. Probably wasn't. You thought I was too good for you at one point. I wonder when that changed? When I stopped wearing make up every time you saw me? When I wasn't always dressed for date night but home life instead? When I wouldn't quit smoking? Who knows or cares? Not I.
So I've had chicken soup, seven crackers, one slice of very sugary cake, a very hard (almost teeth breaking) chocolate bar, an Easter egg and either two or four bags of crisps today. Today will be my sixth day in a row of cleansing my skin and working out. I should eat properly but I am not motivated to cook. When I live with my sister I will buy food I like so that I will cook but dad and I have different taste. So I eat crap. Oh, happy Easter. I haven't been able to say it because we're not talking but, yeh, happy Easter. I'm going to watch another episode of Vampire Diaries, get agitated over my wobbly tooth (yep, that's happening and its a front one) then finish my daily allowance of essay word count before my 2130 exercise in the shower time! Busy, busy, busy.
Hope you've had a good day, and continue to have good days.
Regards,
C.
Hey Barn,
Not a lot to say again. Less emotion equals less writing. 'D' has been talking to me a fair bit today, it has been absolutely irritating! He shared a post on Facebook just after he'd messaged me on Sunday and I have only just noticed it and the correlation. "Over seven billion people in this work and you think I'm going to chase someone who doesn't even want me? Hahhaha, that's exactly what I'm going to do" is a paraphrase of the post he shared. Not his words exactly but he shared it right after messaging me at a stupid time of morning and I don't think the correlation is my paranoia, I think there really is a correlation. Anyway, he has irritated me. Just by talking to me. I'm very distant, my feelings are fickle and I quit on people pretty soon. That's my version of normal. You're my version of abnormal, as I wasn't so fickle with you. I really loved you, didn't I? I'll always love you but now is the time to love myself, I think I've told you that already.
Less about you and 'D', more about me. That's why I'm doing this isn't it. You said if I wrote a book of my life for the next six months, you'd read it. You we're saying it because you wanted to put across that you want to know what I'm doing and that I'm ok. You want to be updated on my life. That really inspired me to do this and maybe one day you'll actually read this and know the life of me. The life of your love. The life that we do not share.
So I'm sat here with a coffee, instead of at my driving lesson. I didn't cancel it, he did. Before you assume I'm being a lazy, sad lay about. I woke up about 0800 ready to start my day with my fabulous new sleep pattern at it's finest. I called my Nan, we spoke on the phone for a while. I don't really see much of her now I'm busy, it's not fair and I should make more effort. I know that. She's not going to last forever and these are the day's I'll regret. On a lighter note the conversation with Nan was good, I got the family gossip and we were planning out our futures. I started my essay on inequality within healthcare today, mainly the NHS. I'm very pro-NHS and not just for a pay check. I like free healthcare, I like that I can help people at work and hopefully I will like being a nurse. So the essay isn't too bad. I'm not entirely sure if I'm doing it right as I didn't attend as many lessons as I should have but I was sad and sad me isn't motivated to breathe, never mind learn. I've done about three hundred words and I plan to have five hundred done by today, one thousand done by tomorrow and then I will finish the piece on Saturday. This time frame leaves me with Thursday, Friday and Sunday to write my lab report. I may scrape a pass or do better, let's see how well the pressure pushes me towards greatness. I believe all is meant to be though, so if I do not succeed with my grade potential and don't quite get in to Lincoln University (they sent me a size L official Lincoln hoodie by the way, it's epic) my back up plan will be adequate and I will still have the life I was entirely meant to live.
The good thing about my friend group is they really pull me through my bad non-learner weeks. I have a beautiful, intelligent set of class mates and they are friends I am truly grateful for. I hope I can repay the kindness and help. In some way or another. I've found a cool playlist on Spotify for concentration and I think it actually works. It kind of annoys me that I have a different colour font mid paragraph but links would be hard to find if they weren't at all different. So, anyway, I've managed to paint my nails red and watch about four episodes of The Vampire Diaries. I am obsessed with it. I love it. I just don't like the true love break ups, I am totally Team Stefan and Elena! You don't understand any of that but I like it regardless of your opinions. Which is good. So I've procrastinated quite a bit today but still got a fair whack of work done. Imagine how good my grades would be if I really tried? I guess we will never know. I'm so afraid of failing anything that I don't try because then if I fail I can have the excuse that 'it doesn't matter because I didn't try anyway'. It's a solid and real excuse except it normally does matter. Maybe that's what I did with you. I didn't try in case I wasn't good enough either way. Probably wasn't. You thought I was too good for you at one point. I wonder when that changed? When I stopped wearing make up every time you saw me? When I wasn't always dressed for date night but home life instead? When I wouldn't quit smoking? Who knows or cares? Not I.
So I've had chicken soup, seven crackers, one slice of very sugary cake, a very hard (almost teeth breaking) chocolate bar, an Easter egg and either two or four bags of crisps today. Today will be my sixth day in a row of cleansing my skin and working out. I should eat properly but I am not motivated to cook. When I live with my sister I will buy food I like so that I will cook but dad and I have different taste. So I eat crap. Oh, happy Easter. I haven't been able to say it because we're not talking but, yeh, happy Easter. I'm going to watch another episode of Vampire Diaries, get agitated over my wobbly tooth (yep, that's happening and its a front one) then finish my daily allowance of essay word count before my 2130 exercise in the shower time! Busy, busy, busy.
Hope you've had a good day, and continue to have good days.
Regards,
C.
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