Hey Barney,
11/04/2017
Hey Barney,
So it's been a while since I've done this. About a week since my last post. This one will probably be a lot less emotional. This one may even be described as distant. Writing that sentence just gave me a musical flash back. You know how I love lyrics. Sad Beautiful Tragic. You know it's a Taylor Swift song. You probably remember it. I had that album on constant in the car, in the house. The house we shared.
"And you've got your demons, and darling they all look like me
Hey Barney,
So it's been a while since I've done this. About a week since my last post. This one will probably be a lot less emotional. This one may even be described as distant. Writing that sentence just gave me a musical flash back. You know how I love lyrics. Sad Beautiful Tragic. You know it's a Taylor Swift song. You probably remember it. I had that album on constant in the car, in the house. The house we shared.
"And you've got your demons, and darling they all look like me
What a sad beautiful tragic love affair" - Taylor Swift
Well I'd said probably less emotional, I didn't promise. I stayed at 'D's house last week. I had fun, we had pizza, talked for hours with his friends who think I'm ruthless. Ruthless to most people is honesty. I'm honest and I'm not ashamed of it, even when it does ruin things for me. The people who should be in my life will respect my honesty. Regardless of my ruthless honesty they all like me. The thing is, I only like 'D' as a friend. There will never be a spark. Never in my life will I have a spark again. My spark is with you and you continuously hold my fire in your heart, as I have your fire in mine. I woke up at his house and I knew. I knew I felt nothing more than friendship and warmth. He's a lot like me, a bit psycho and a bit nuts, but that's nothing to build on. You and I have a lot to build on, our relationship has foundations whether or not they are in pieces. We can build a future, if you want to put in some effort to work on it and build with me. Oh, how ultimately tragic we are. We could have a future but you're fearful. I don't blame you, I scared you for life. I think you love me though. I think I love you. It flickers. As if maybe you and I keep spraying water on the fires in our own hearts to stop the pain, stop the feeling, stop the tragedy before we end up breathless in such a way that we are nothing more than the fiction of Romeo and Juliet. Remember, I used to call you Romeo. This is why. We relate to that story.
Ok, I know that stuff bores you. Well this weekend I have worked night shifts, which is pretty boring. If everyone stays asleep and there's no one kicking up a fuss then I just watch Netflix for hours. I've spent the weekend watching Netflix. That is it. I did a few bits, paper work and cleaning, you know. Nothing remarkably 'work worthy' though. I've missed you. I've started watching the Vampire Diaries and I'm hooked. I love it. There's a lot of love in it, sometimes I skip the couple bits. When did I get to the point of skipping couples. Public affection and fictional affection leads me to divert my eyes. Why?
We're not going to work out are we? I just wanted to let you know that I've pretty much ignored 'D' for a week, I replied today but my distance is there and he gets it. I think I've been distant with Steph too. I was clearly upset today after she sent me a photo of her doing the dog walk on your farm. You couldn't ask if I was ok? I had to tell you that that was the right thing to do! How very blasé it all gets. I am both blasé and ambivalent. That's all. That's the only way I can describe myself at this very moment.
I think about you a lot. I miss you a lot. I want you around a lot. I want to get back together a lot. It's not that easy though and we have a lot of work. I'm starting to give up a bit. My hope fades as the sun sets. The weirdest part is the timing of 'D's messages to me. When I sort of pause, looking lost, sat still and just thinking about you he talks. It's fate or something weirder. When I get lost in thoughts of you he talks. It snaps me back in to the reality and reminds me that you don't like me for who I am and a future together is very unlikely. Odd.
If you show me your darkness I will show you my light, if you walk away I will follow, if you go outside we will watch the night, if you look in my eyes you'll know.
When we had the talk, you walked away. You went in to the kitchen. I don't know why you couldn't face me but I followed you and I told you it was ok. It's ok Barney. It's ok to feel. It's ok to have emotion. It's ok to give up. It's ok to keep trying. It's ok to follow your heart. It's ok to follow your head. Just make sure you are happy with the choices you make and that will be enough for me.
My fingers hurt from typing. I'll go watch Vampire Diaries. I miss you babe. I love you. I love you right now.
I love you.
Love always,
C
Comments
Post a Comment