Hiya Barney,
16/04/2017
Hiya Barney,
It's been a not so busy but busy day of the same things. There isn't an awful lot to tell you. I went to work, a long shift. Ended up in A and E for five hours with a patient. I kept seeing people, pretty people and thin people and I nearly cried. I shouldn't really be feeling fat around patients or being upset or anything, obviously I hid it. I honestly feel fat and ugly lately, like I can't change my face or my bone structure and I obviously can not change that my body isn't in proportion. For the past four days I've been cleansing my skin, moisturising and exercising. I'm just worried that it will get obsessive. I'm eating fine and that, I just can't shake the feeling that I'm disgusting. It doesn't help my self worth that I feel useless at work. It's not because I don't do anything. I just feel like I can not, for the life of me, do enough. My colleagues keep saying what a good worker I am but that doesn't help. I feel like I'm fifteen again, feeling fat, useless and worthless. Hopefully I can sort my head and get back to over confident. Not over confident as such but feeling some form of self worth. Life is good though. We're not speaking now and that's ok. I said the pact is cancelled and you said I can't cancel a pact. The pact being that when you turn thirty years old, if we're both single, we get married. That is only fourteen days, three months and four years away. That is not a long time! I'll have only just graduated and be ready to be an adult. It won't happen, it's just a stupid pact that people make. No one ever goes through with it. Who knows? What ever is meant to be, will indefinitely be. Like I said, not a lot to say today. I'm going to watch Vampire Diaries and hit the pillow. Its 2214 and my Nan is going to take me to work in the morning.
Have a great day, week, year. You deserve happiness. Happiness without chaos. I am obviously chaos.
Goodnight,
C.
Hiya Barney,
It's been a not so busy but busy day of the same things. There isn't an awful lot to tell you. I went to work, a long shift. Ended up in A and E for five hours with a patient. I kept seeing people, pretty people and thin people and I nearly cried. I shouldn't really be feeling fat around patients or being upset or anything, obviously I hid it. I honestly feel fat and ugly lately, like I can't change my face or my bone structure and I obviously can not change that my body isn't in proportion. For the past four days I've been cleansing my skin, moisturising and exercising. I'm just worried that it will get obsessive. I'm eating fine and that, I just can't shake the feeling that I'm disgusting. It doesn't help my self worth that I feel useless at work. It's not because I don't do anything. I just feel like I can not, for the life of me, do enough. My colleagues keep saying what a good worker I am but that doesn't help. I feel like I'm fifteen again, feeling fat, useless and worthless. Hopefully I can sort my head and get back to over confident. Not over confident as such but feeling some form of self worth. Life is good though. We're not speaking now and that's ok. I said the pact is cancelled and you said I can't cancel a pact. The pact being that when you turn thirty years old, if we're both single, we get married. That is only fourteen days, three months and four years away. That is not a long time! I'll have only just graduated and be ready to be an adult. It won't happen, it's just a stupid pact that people make. No one ever goes through with it. Who knows? What ever is meant to be, will indefinitely be. Like I said, not a lot to say today. I'm going to watch Vampire Diaries and hit the pillow. Its 2214 and my Nan is going to take me to work in the morning.
Have a great day, week, year. You deserve happiness. Happiness without chaos. I am obviously chaos.
Goodnight,
C.
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