Hello Barney,
22/04/2017
Hello Barney,
First of all I wanted to say sorry. I'm sorry that I've been feeling sad. I'm sorry I've been feeling like there isn't an awful lot to live for. I'm sorry that I tell you that I don't want to live. I'm sorry that I can't be normal. I'm sorry that I have sad, bad days. I'm sorry that my little blip of talking to you turned into a conversation.
Now I know it's not easy to hear someone say that they don't want to live anymore. It's not easy feeling that way either. It's also a bit terrifying to know that no one in particular would want to stop you. It's not great that you didn't believe me. Of course I'm not going to do something as selfish as hurting myself but a lot of people have days where they feel absolutely worthless, like they give nothing to the world. You we're busy with your family and that's just how you are. Busy.
I didn't want to feel sad but I did want you to say something stupid like "It's all going to be ok, you are worth something to the world.". You know just a little sentence like that. It's not your place to cheer me up but you miss me when I don't talk to you for three days so I assume you care. It's a lot of pressure to put on you, I know that, but some days I just feel like life isn't worth living. Most people think that at one point, so vocalising it shouldn't be an issue.
"There's still this appeal, that we've kept through our lives but love, love will tear us apart again." -Joy Division
There is an appeal. We miss each other after three days. There is something there. It's never enough, is it? You wouldn't and do not make effort to see me, whether or not you text back. If you can muster up the energy to spend time with family and friends that surely means you have enough energy to hang out with me. It's choice. I'm not your first, second or third choice. You never choose to spend time with me, not really. You only like having me around when you're on your own which is a bit odd. It's not like you don't like being on your own, it's more because you don't want me around other people. Funny.
So 'D' saw you at football and told me that you are a decent player. He asked if you were blonde and short. Apparently you're shorter than him. That made me laugh. I don't know who's shorter but I don't like the thought of him feeling superior. I've completed my essay and I doubt I'll even scrape a pass. Now I need to do a lab report but I don't know where to start. It's Saturday and you've got work. That means you'll have a busy day because you've also got football and lads night. Enjoy. I say enjoy quite reluctantly. I want you to be happy with or without me but at the same time I don't want you to be happy with out me. I want you to feel how I feel. Unrequited love is the norm, I guess. It's the only thing I'm normal at.
Sometimes I question whether or not I love you. I guess it's fading or I'm getting over you. Maybe I'm just numb today. I feel like if I give up then I've wasted three years for nothing. I don't want to call it a learning curve. I'm sure we'll stay in each others lives. Hopefully we can stop the obsession which is our relationship. It's unhealthy. I love you, I think. I love you. It's hard.
I best get started on my lab report before I fail. I love you. I guess I just don't want too.
Love always,
Unfortunately,
C.
Hello Barney,
First of all I wanted to say sorry. I'm sorry that I've been feeling sad. I'm sorry I've been feeling like there isn't an awful lot to live for. I'm sorry that I tell you that I don't want to live. I'm sorry that I can't be normal. I'm sorry that I have sad, bad days. I'm sorry that my little blip of talking to you turned into a conversation.
Now I know it's not easy to hear someone say that they don't want to live anymore. It's not easy feeling that way either. It's also a bit terrifying to know that no one in particular would want to stop you. It's not great that you didn't believe me. Of course I'm not going to do something as selfish as hurting myself but a lot of people have days where they feel absolutely worthless, like they give nothing to the world. You we're busy with your family and that's just how you are. Busy.
I didn't want to feel sad but I did want you to say something stupid like "It's all going to be ok, you are worth something to the world.". You know just a little sentence like that. It's not your place to cheer me up but you miss me when I don't talk to you for three days so I assume you care. It's a lot of pressure to put on you, I know that, but some days I just feel like life isn't worth living. Most people think that at one point, so vocalising it shouldn't be an issue.
"There's still this appeal, that we've kept through our lives but love, love will tear us apart again." -Joy Division
There is an appeal. We miss each other after three days. There is something there. It's never enough, is it? You wouldn't and do not make effort to see me, whether or not you text back. If you can muster up the energy to spend time with family and friends that surely means you have enough energy to hang out with me. It's choice. I'm not your first, second or third choice. You never choose to spend time with me, not really. You only like having me around when you're on your own which is a bit odd. It's not like you don't like being on your own, it's more because you don't want me around other people. Funny.
So 'D' saw you at football and told me that you are a decent player. He asked if you were blonde and short. Apparently you're shorter than him. That made me laugh. I don't know who's shorter but I don't like the thought of him feeling superior. I've completed my essay and I doubt I'll even scrape a pass. Now I need to do a lab report but I don't know where to start. It's Saturday and you've got work. That means you'll have a busy day because you've also got football and lads night. Enjoy. I say enjoy quite reluctantly. I want you to be happy with or without me but at the same time I don't want you to be happy with out me. I want you to feel how I feel. Unrequited love is the norm, I guess. It's the only thing I'm normal at.
Sometimes I question whether or not I love you. I guess it's fading or I'm getting over you. Maybe I'm just numb today. I feel like if I give up then I've wasted three years for nothing. I don't want to call it a learning curve. I'm sure we'll stay in each others lives. Hopefully we can stop the obsession which is our relationship. It's unhealthy. I love you, I think. I love you. It's hard.
I best get started on my lab report before I fail. I love you. I guess I just don't want too.
Love always,
Unfortunately,
C.
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