Hey Barns,

27/03/2017

Hey Barns,

It’s a bit later in the day and nothing much has changed but I just felt like talking to you, sort of. You sent me a picture of your school artwork. It is so absolutely, beautiful. Honestly, you portray so much more than you realise when you paint. It’s like knowing your soul. Anyway, I was impressed; Impressed enough to use it as my background picture for my phone. I’ve fed the siblings and we’ve watched Harry Potter, they talked too much. We had brownie pie and it was pretty, bloody fabulous! Now I just sit here very tired, hoping to do some work but I know I’ll be asleep soon. I did want a phone call before bed but I know you’re with your mother so I don’t expect it. Listening to “Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone” which reminds me of you, my love. You’re supposed to be supplying a list of things you’d like to change about me but I doubt you will. I honestly cannot stop thinking about you saying that when I’m happy I’m beautiful and how nothing compares to my eyes lighting up with happiness and so on. It’s just constantly in my head ironically making me happy. I love you so much and I know there are things you want to change about me, which probably won’t happen because I like most of myself, but this is so magical. This is a beautiful, magical, tragic, honest, real, raw, powerful, pure love that cannot contain itself within my heart. You are my sunshine and I miss you every minute. I long for a life where you are my partner and commit to me. I don’t deserve it and you deserve better but I can dream. You are the calm in my storm and forever my love. Honestly, I know I sound like a pathetic idiot but I do not have the words to truly express how deeply and how utterly ardently I love you. With my word’s not being enough I must use others.

“The greatest happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved; loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves”-Victor Hugo.

Although this love, I know, is unrequited in such ways, I will love you despite yourself. I will love you despite what you see as your flaws and faults. I will love what you perceive as flaws and faults. I will love your sadness and pain because I will love you unconditionally, always. I will love your soul, your heart and your beautiful mind as if no other being could be so pure. In my soul, my heart and my mind I know there is no being so pure as you. I know in my heart full of unrequited, joyous, tragic love that even though it haunts my heart that you do not love me as I am, that even though you want to change me, the love I feel for you will never change because of such things. In fact, I am just as sure that I cannot change the love I have for you as I know and fear I cannot change myself to be worthy of you. I could never be worthy of you; mere mortals never can keep the affections of gods. I wouldn’t want to. I know you’re worthy of more and I wouldn’t want to take that away from you.

I’ve been looking at silly things for your birthday. It’s four months away but I like to be prepared because you’ve never really had a decent enough gift from me. I want to put my heart and mind into something you will like, that will remind you of me. I hope it goes well. You deserve so much more than I can give but I will give my all regardless.

Love always, C.