Good evening, my darling Barnacle,

01/04/2017

Good evening, my darling Barnacle,

I hope you are well, I assume you are. We haven’t really spoken much today. I should be completing a Psychology presentation about abnormality but I’ll type this up first. I stayed at your house (your dads) for two consecutive days which I found impressive. It was nice of you to let me. Wednesday 29^th of March and Thursday 30^th of March are the dates I slept there. So, Wednesday was one of my sad days, you told me to get some assignments done and I said, “only if I can sleep at yours” so after football you picked me up. How very nice of you. Although I thought we were making progress and you’d be having me stay at your house while your brother and his husband were there, meaning that you were not hiding me anymore. Sometimes I feel like a dirty secret. So, we stayed at your dads and it was lovely. Thursday morning you took me to work then I spent the afternoon studying with my marvelous friend Lauren! She is my study savior. When you informed, me you’d planned to have a meal with your brother and his husband my heart had sank. It was quite noticeable to Lauren, although that was not my intention. You’d double booked and forgotten all about me. You had told me the previous Sunday that we would do something Thursday as it was the only evening both of us had free. I tried to act like it was fine because you’d seen me slightly the day before but I assume it was obvious that I was gutted as you did pick me up later that night for a basic sleepover and comfort of each other’s presence. We talked of our pact, you know the one. When you hit age 30, in only four years and three months-ish, that we are to get married or become at least engaged if we are both single. You know I’ll make sure to be single. If I get into Lincoln University, which is probably unlikely as I am failing miserably at my course due to sadness, then I will finish University just in time to marry you. I’ll be 26 and very ready to work for the NHS, buy a house and think about having children. If I had to endure my back up and study for an extra year then engagements can last a year anyway, so that’s fine. It would mean you’d have to tell your family you love me and this is forever, which is unlikely. It would also mean that you won’t move on in the next four years, which although we’re still tragically in love two years after our break up and not moving on, is rather unlikely. You can do better and I hope you do. Thursday was lovely though. We spoke of marriage, decorating the house and having children. The children bit freaked you out and sometimes I’m still unsure as to whether you’re, actually, heterosexual. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s women’s instinct or maybe it’s purely because of your issues with commitment. How likely is it that your mother has three sons and they all are homosexual?

I liked it a lot, talking about a future. You don’t do that much. I’ve put you off when it comes to commitment. Surely you know it’s not always as bad as it was with us. I’ve made you think relationships are draining. They’re not always. They’re never perfect but I was, I am, an absolute mess.

I love you though, that will never change. You know I’ve been dating and you know you’ve put me off him. He’s so lovely but it’s always you. You know my heart and I think I know yours. I know your faults, flaws, triumphs and I love all of you, all the time. You’re my peace in the chaos of my tortured mind. You’re the goodness in my impure thoughts. You’re the shade that stops the burn. It’s rather pathetic, as always, but it’s real. It’s real to me. This love is all I have. I wish I didn’t rely on you for my happiness but how could I not when the happiest I feel is when I lay my head to rest with your arms around me. You don’t like spooning? It feels like you do. You don’t let me go.

You don’t let me go in general to be fair. You don’t allow me to move on. I don’t exactly want to move on I just want commitment. I date other people to try to move on but you’ll always pull me back. I’m on the phone to Steph now, so I’ll quit this chat. I love you.

Love always, C.