Hey Barnacle.

27/03/2017

Hey Barnacle.

You said if I wrote a diary of the next six months you’d want to read it. I guess I’m doing this to keep you updated; Maybe I’m doing this as a way of talking to you. We had that talk on the 25^th. A few beers and an admittance of obsession. It was relatively shocking for me and I genuinely expected you to tell me you never wanted to see me again. Instead, you said that you’re obsessed with me (borderline), hinted that you love me, told me you could carry on as we are for months to come and admitted, whether this was due to alcohol I’ll never know, that when I’m happy my big shining eyes are the most beautiful thing in the world and nothing compares. That’s basically how I feel about all of you all the time. Nothing compares.

Any way you were there for that bit! Today I decided I wouldn’t go to my lesson because of ‘period pain’ which in C Code means that I wanted to stay at home and think about you and everything we said on Saturday night. I also cancelled my driving lesson, I can’t drive while sad. You are undoubtedly the one true love of my entire existence. So, I skipped past my alarm and asked my friend to send me her notes. I should be doing some work right now but I wanted to do this. Mum woke me up at about 0930 with a McDonalds breakfast in bed, then I came down stairs and she explained to me that my Nanna wants to retire and my mum wants to make an annex in the garden for Nanna to live in. Then she explained to me that she’s spoken to Shauna about selling the house we grew up in, possibly to Shauna, so we can have our inheritance early. Basically, Nanna and mum will give us our inheritance early. Mine will go in a savings account so I can use it for a mortgage when I’m about 26 and have been working a fair while. Shauna’s will be used to buy a house now where I will live with her while we both study at university. I wish I had my life in order like Shauna does.

Unless you decide you want to make you and I work I think I’ll move in with Shauna. If by some fortunate event you decide to get back with me maybe we could get a mortgage this year. Very unlikely. That’s the dream though. We could probably afford it but wouldn’t it be lovely if you got the bungalow to yourself and we could really plan a future. You don’t plan futures. Ok bad idea all around. I do bloody love you though, my sunshine. I could move in with Steph if I didn’t want to live with Shauna but I do truly want to be there and look after her. I love my sister more than I love you. That’s a lot, you know?

So, my mothers have gone away for a few days, leaving myself and Phoebe to look after our many siblings. This will be fun. I plan on having a bath, doing some university work, picking up the kids from school and then we will have a film night. If I manage to keep up with this diary thing, I’ll actually send it to you in about 6 months. This is your idea so don’t judge me. I think I’m going to stop dating, I didn’t think you liked me and I’ve been trying to move on but I don’t think I’ve ever loved you as much as I do right now. It makes me feel pathetic but you are my sunshine rising after a night of star gazing.

People who suffer together are more connected than people who are content. Paraphrased from Florence and The Machine – What Kind Of Man, the music video had some chatting at the start and that really rang alarms for me. I was suffering and I made you suffer during our beautifully tragic relationship. You deserve better. I don’t want you thinking that’s normal. It isn’t. I’ve really ruined your view on love because I didn’t do it right. Honestly it shouldn’t be that hard and I know why you’re reluctant to have me, I was a mess. I know why you want to change me. I’m destructive. Nothing makes up for the mess I made of your head and heart. I don’t want you to fear commitment because your first super serious relationship was a night mare. Most people aren’t as bad as me. Not at all.

I fear I ruined you for any other. I fear I ruined you for yourself. I fear I’ve ruined your heart and mine.

I’m reading my palm, my love line. Here’s what mines is supposed to mean.

If your heart line ends below where the Mount of joins the Mount of Saturn, it indicates the purely true love. If your heart line curves upwards, it indicates you have a great verbal dexterity. When meeting your favourite object, you are good at creating romantic atmosphere and speaking out your love to her/her. (This is the only bit I could really comprehend.)

This is what I do with my days, I procrastinate and think of you. You’re so simple and pure. You’re just not a complicated person. Well you are but you’re so easy to love. You’re beautiful.

Welcome to my thoughts.

Love C