Hi Barney,

29/03/2017

Hi Barney,

Well this day has not gone so well. I’ve pretty much just been sad or slept. Shauna visited today, I said “How was breakfast?” and basically fell back to sleep before she could answer me. I don’t think I was very good company. I’m sorting a new phone this week. I’ve done the school runs, make spaghetti meatballs for a horrific audience. The kids are fussy eaters. I lost care and told them to eat whatever they could make. I’m pretty sad; Not even sad really, it’s a numbing feeling more than anything. With a few hard pains within my heart. I can’t concentrate. I can’t get any work done and I struggle to stay awake. I did say to you I’ll do work if I can stay at your house tonight, you said “Maybe” which means no but you want me to do my work so you give me false hope. This didn’t make me do any work. I need you to be my motivation. It is very unlike me to not go in to University. It is very unlike me to not do my work. I guess I’m just in a rather lost state of mind. I’m lost in you. I’m lost in us. I don’t know how this works or if it will work. I just want you. The street is now having a black out. No light, no electric. Who needs light anyway? You’re my sunshine. That’s all the light I need in the world. I sound really miserable today. It is not my intention to come across this way. I know you prefer me genuinely happy but I can’t be like that. Not like this. It’s too much.

I want a life where I know you are happy and that’s what makes me happy but I do need to know where I stand with us for me to be happy about you being happy. Whether we are over or together doesn’t matter. As long as I know where I stand and as long as you are happy then my life will be beautiful. Today is a hard day to be me. Sorry for this. I wish I could be better. I wish /I could show you the best of myself.

Okay I’ll head off because this beautiful disaster is getting ugly.

I love you, always.

Always yours, C