Hiya Barnacle,
11/05/2017
Hiya Barnacle,
We're over forever now, I think. I'm a bit sad about it. It's not what I want but I can't keep being nothing to you. I'm a booty call and a habit. You said I was an obsession of yours but you don't like me. You don't want me. You don't like me. You don't like me at all. You don't like anything about me. You don't like me. You don't like me. You don't like me. That's all that I hear in my head. You don't like me. You don't like me. You don't like me.
I just wanted to fix how awkward we are but it doesn't matter how many times I run out of bed, get dressed and meet you at a stupid time of night even though I have work in the morning. It took me accidentally ringing you nearly a week later for you to talk to me and apologize. I've deleted your number and snap chat again. I know your number so my new back ground on my phone says 'don't text your ex'. I don't want this broken love. You can't even answer the phone most of the time, you can't meet me when you're free or when you're not or ever. I haven't cried for a while. I'm crying now. I don't want to lose you but I don't want this life. You don't like me and it makes me not like me.
You think I don't care about other people's opinions but I bloody do!!!! I care what people think, I care what you think. It leads me to self loathing so I try to avoid it but boy oh boy do I care. I make every possible effort to keep you in my life and you're just not bothered unless you're getting something you want. It's shit. I swore, you don't like it but it's true. This is all shit. It's a shit situation, a shit life, a shit relationship, a shit romance, a shit friendship and a shit world. I've been ok for a while but now I'm just sad. You don't want to talk to me because you're embarrassed about calling me at stupid o'clock. Well you've just finally gave me the last push away. You say 'speak soon' because you always pull me back but trust me, the next time you call I'll make a point of showing up and breaking you or giving you the same distant hope you give me. You're a shitty person. You've dragged me through the worst of life and I'm starting to wonder. Could hell really be worse than this? Everything hurts and my eyes leak.
Want to know how I feel? Fuck you is how I feel. I haven't been swearing in these letter's but you make my head, heart and soul hurt. Literally. The weird thing is when I have you in my life or talk to you or something I have this strange desire to kill myself or cut myself. I'd never do it but talking to you makes me feel worthless, like I'd be helping everyone out by leaving this world.
I've lost all hope. I want to cry and hide but I've got so much to do. You hold me back or push me forward, you don't do the latter as often as you once did. Have you read or watched '13 reasons why' because if you have this blog/letter system would be your tape. I won't resort to such selfish methods, I have a family to think about. If I had no one to protect I'd do it. It's not even abnormal 26% of young people think about doing it, that's over a quarter. Big odds.
I so hope you try to keep in contact with me but I know you won't. I wonder if it's a subconscious idea of mine to stop putting mascara on my lower lashes. I did cry a lot and I've cried today. I've stopped now, getting too reliant on you, aren't I? It's ok for you, if you say come here, I come meet you. I can't say the same for the reverse. You selfish, ignorant creature, you. The thing is, I'd do anything for you. If you needed a heart transplant, I'd cut my stomach open and have papers signed that my heart went to you. We both know that's true.
You're the sort of person who likes to have your needs met and nothing more. I'm the sort of person that needs saving. I'm a bit of a Lois Lane. I'm not weak but I need help that I won't ask for. If I do ask you, it's like I never even asked. You don't care to help me. You think I've got a sad life and you pity me but you do nothing for it. You make it sadder. I'm pathetic; The way I'd change my entire being and give up my existence for you, for you.
"Say what you want to say,
let the words fall out,
honestly,
I want to see you be brave,
with what you want to say." - Sara Bareilles
I'll not see you be brave in my life time. Ok, you had me at the bungalow while people where there but you were drunk and regret the entire night so that does not count in the slightest.
Tell me how you feel. Tell me what you want. Talk.
I was thinking the other day about my need for saving. When I was about 5 or something, you know back to my sad childhood, I'd always want someone to come save me while Shauna wanted to stay and help mum. Maybe I am selfish. I just wanted someone to take me away from the bad place and the sadness. Shauna always, always, wanted to help mum and stay with mum and I wanted to be anywhere else. I wanted to be safe, I wanted to be in a safe place. I wanted to be with an adult who could help. Back then I had no power to help myself and maybe that's why I always need other people. I don't know anyway, I'm not a psychiatrist. All I know is that I've always wanted to be saved and I wanted you to be the one. I want to be fixed too, I thought you'd do that too. That's why I've never really liked my dad as much as I should, I resented him for not saving me when I was young. It's a fair point. Whether or not he knew what my sister and I were going through. He should have known, being a parent is about protection. I never felt safe and I still don't but I'm not Freud and I cannot blame everything on my parents. A lot of my insecurities come from other people and myself.
My cousin Bev made me hate myself while I was pretty young. That guy I married, Dis, he broke a lot of me. With all of that in place you really made the final blow. It wasn't you're fault, you just had a broken girl who felt fixed for a while and made sure she knew she was irreparable. Too damaged. Unwanted goods. Unnecessary to the world. I'll stay around as long as I can though, I'll fight sadness and pain, because I want to make my sister's life as good as possible. I probably put too much onto living for Shauna's sake rather than my own. It's easier this way. It gives me a reason to live rather than trying to find one.
https://open.spotify.com/user/1183437744/playlist/0rsfiMWWEz1dh67ulk9rAC
That's my Barnacle playlist, since we're talking about how pathetic I am.
I'm going to keep this going. For the whole 6 months and maybe more. You can watch me care less and less about you or maybe I'll never get over you. Who knows? Who cares? Not you or I.
Sorry I exist,
sorry you met me,
C.
Hiya Barnacle,
We're over forever now, I think. I'm a bit sad about it. It's not what I want but I can't keep being nothing to you. I'm a booty call and a habit. You said I was an obsession of yours but you don't like me. You don't want me. You don't like me. You don't like me at all. You don't like anything about me. You don't like me. You don't like me. You don't like me. That's all that I hear in my head. You don't like me. You don't like me. You don't like me.
I just wanted to fix how awkward we are but it doesn't matter how many times I run out of bed, get dressed and meet you at a stupid time of night even though I have work in the morning. It took me accidentally ringing you nearly a week later for you to talk to me and apologize. I've deleted your number and snap chat again. I know your number so my new back ground on my phone says 'don't text your ex'. I don't want this broken love. You can't even answer the phone most of the time, you can't meet me when you're free or when you're not or ever. I haven't cried for a while. I'm crying now. I don't want to lose you but I don't want this life. You don't like me and it makes me not like me.
You think I don't care about other people's opinions but I bloody do!!!! I care what people think, I care what you think. It leads me to self loathing so I try to avoid it but boy oh boy do I care. I make every possible effort to keep you in my life and you're just not bothered unless you're getting something you want. It's shit. I swore, you don't like it but it's true. This is all shit. It's a shit situation, a shit life, a shit relationship, a shit romance, a shit friendship and a shit world. I've been ok for a while but now I'm just sad. You don't want to talk to me because you're embarrassed about calling me at stupid o'clock. Well you've just finally gave me the last push away. You say 'speak soon' because you always pull me back but trust me, the next time you call I'll make a point of showing up and breaking you or giving you the same distant hope you give me. You're a shitty person. You've dragged me through the worst of life and I'm starting to wonder. Could hell really be worse than this? Everything hurts and my eyes leak.
Want to know how I feel? Fuck you is how I feel. I haven't been swearing in these letter's but you make my head, heart and soul hurt. Literally. The weird thing is when I have you in my life or talk to you or something I have this strange desire to kill myself or cut myself. I'd never do it but talking to you makes me feel worthless, like I'd be helping everyone out by leaving this world.
I've lost all hope. I want to cry and hide but I've got so much to do. You hold me back or push me forward, you don't do the latter as often as you once did. Have you read or watched '13 reasons why' because if you have this blog/letter system would be your tape. I won't resort to such selfish methods, I have a family to think about. If I had no one to protect I'd do it. It's not even abnormal 26% of young people think about doing it, that's over a quarter. Big odds.
I so hope you try to keep in contact with me but I know you won't. I wonder if it's a subconscious idea of mine to stop putting mascara on my lower lashes. I did cry a lot and I've cried today. I've stopped now, getting too reliant on you, aren't I? It's ok for you, if you say come here, I come meet you. I can't say the same for the reverse. You selfish, ignorant creature, you. The thing is, I'd do anything for you. If you needed a heart transplant, I'd cut my stomach open and have papers signed that my heart went to you. We both know that's true.
You're the sort of person who likes to have your needs met and nothing more. I'm the sort of person that needs saving. I'm a bit of a Lois Lane. I'm not weak but I need help that I won't ask for. If I do ask you, it's like I never even asked. You don't care to help me. You think I've got a sad life and you pity me but you do nothing for it. You make it sadder. I'm pathetic; The way I'd change my entire being and give up my existence for you, for you.
"Say what you want to say,
let the words fall out,
honestly,
I want to see you be brave,
with what you want to say." - Sara Bareilles
I'll not see you be brave in my life time. Ok, you had me at the bungalow while people where there but you were drunk and regret the entire night so that does not count in the slightest.
Tell me how you feel. Tell me what you want. Talk.
I was thinking the other day about my need for saving. When I was about 5 or something, you know back to my sad childhood, I'd always want someone to come save me while Shauna wanted to stay and help mum. Maybe I am selfish. I just wanted someone to take me away from the bad place and the sadness. Shauna always, always, wanted to help mum and stay with mum and I wanted to be anywhere else. I wanted to be safe, I wanted to be in a safe place. I wanted to be with an adult who could help. Back then I had no power to help myself and maybe that's why I always need other people. I don't know anyway, I'm not a psychiatrist. All I know is that I've always wanted to be saved and I wanted you to be the one. I want to be fixed too, I thought you'd do that too. That's why I've never really liked my dad as much as I should, I resented him for not saving me when I was young. It's a fair point. Whether or not he knew what my sister and I were going through. He should have known, being a parent is about protection. I never felt safe and I still don't but I'm not Freud and I cannot blame everything on my parents. A lot of my insecurities come from other people and myself.
My cousin Bev made me hate myself while I was pretty young. That guy I married, Dis, he broke a lot of me. With all of that in place you really made the final blow. It wasn't you're fault, you just had a broken girl who felt fixed for a while and made sure she knew she was irreparable. Too damaged. Unwanted goods. Unnecessary to the world. I'll stay around as long as I can though, I'll fight sadness and pain, because I want to make my sister's life as good as possible. I probably put too much onto living for Shauna's sake rather than my own. It's easier this way. It gives me a reason to live rather than trying to find one.
https://open.spotify.com/user/1183437744/playlist/0rsfiMWWEz1dh67ulk9rAC
That's my Barnacle playlist, since we're talking about how pathetic I am.
I'm going to keep this going. For the whole 6 months and maybe more. You can watch me care less and less about you or maybe I'll never get over you. Who knows? Who cares? Not you or I.
Sorry I exist,
sorry you met me,
C.
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