Hey Barn,
02/05/2017
Hey Barn,
I just wanted you to know that even though we burned and turned into a pile of ash, that even though I'm trying to exclude you from my life, that even though it pains us to be with or with out each other that you were the best part of my life. I'll never forget all the goodness that we shared. I'll never forget where I went wrong. I'll never forget how I've planned our wedding that will never happen. You were always the light in my life but I don't think that's a good thing. I need to be my own beacon. You're the light house telling me my way home but now I've got to find my own way. You were utterly the most delightful part of my existence. I think it's time I existed on my own accord. It's not because I don't love you, it's because I do. We both deserve to have a happy life free of the consumption of our love. That's what it is, it consumes every part of me until I'm lost in you. I want to love myself again. I'm trying. It's time that I focused on myself and made myself better because I really don't like myself all that much anymore.
You could be in my life if you wanted to. You'd have to make sacrifices though and I'm quite sure you're not willing. You broke me and I broke you too. The difference is I've been broken before, that held me back. I pushed you so far away because I was so scared. I gave you the power to hurt me and I was vulnerable. That's what love is, I guess, vulnerability. I wasn't ready to be vulnerable. I wanted so badly to feel like you loved me that I screamed and shouted just to try and get an emotion out of you. I went the wrong way about it. I do that a lot. I'm quite a self destructive being and it pains me and others around me. I guess I don't know how to be normal and I don't know how to love with out it taking over me but I'm kind, loyal and real.
There's a darkness in me. A darkness that I hide behind, one that destroys me from the inside as I let it. That darkness should never have been your burden. Although, how can you love someone without knowing their darkness, light is seen by everyone but darkness is a secret only shared amongst those we trust. I'm escaping reality and hiding away from my problems. I can't keep doing that, it's further destruction.
I had a conversation with my Nan. We were talking about why I don't go into mental health nursing and I said it's because I want action. I don't want to be bored at a desk writing reports. Nursing will be good for me, I chose this because I was being logical. It's my way of securing a real life and a real job. If I had it my way and had the capability, which I probably do but I scrape by, I'd be a writer or a psychologist or a psychiatrist. English degrees don't get you jobs. Psychology degrees don't either, everyone studies that and no one becomes a psychologist. Let's face it, if I tried earlier in life maybe I could have been a psychiatrist but I didn't. I want to work with words and minds.
Nursing gives me a way to make up for my sins, it helps me feel good about myself. I want to make a difference in people's lives by any means necessary. One day I will. That's how I'll pay my penance. Sure the money's ok and the rewards are plentiful but it's more to make up for what an awful human being I have been. I want to help people and I guess I will. I'm going to start writing though, not just lyrics here and there. I thought up an idea for a novel years ago and every now and again I think of it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to write something that maybe no one will ever read and it'll be a poor effort but I want to do this. So now I'm sat with my family and they're not happy I've missed lesson but it's what I needed. I needed a think. I needed something to trigger my life back to order.
I wrote this while taking a short walk to my Nan's with quite a clear mind. Not that you can really call my mind clear. I'm too messy for that. One thing is certain about me though, my love for you. It's so real and pure yet so burdening. I love you. If only it wasn't so unrequited.
"I surrender who I've been for who you are
For nothing makes me stronger than your fragile heart
If I had only felt how it feels to be yours
Well I would have known
What I've been living for all along" - Sleeping at last.
I love you, thank you.
Thank you for the life you gave me.
Thank you for everything.
I love you.
Love always,
C.
Hey Barn,
I just wanted you to know that even though we burned and turned into a pile of ash, that even though I'm trying to exclude you from my life, that even though it pains us to be with or with out each other that you were the best part of my life. I'll never forget all the goodness that we shared. I'll never forget where I went wrong. I'll never forget how I've planned our wedding that will never happen. You were always the light in my life but I don't think that's a good thing. I need to be my own beacon. You're the light house telling me my way home but now I've got to find my own way. You were utterly the most delightful part of my existence. I think it's time I existed on my own accord. It's not because I don't love you, it's because I do. We both deserve to have a happy life free of the consumption of our love. That's what it is, it consumes every part of me until I'm lost in you. I want to love myself again. I'm trying. It's time that I focused on myself and made myself better because I really don't like myself all that much anymore.
You could be in my life if you wanted to. You'd have to make sacrifices though and I'm quite sure you're not willing. You broke me and I broke you too. The difference is I've been broken before, that held me back. I pushed you so far away because I was so scared. I gave you the power to hurt me and I was vulnerable. That's what love is, I guess, vulnerability. I wasn't ready to be vulnerable. I wanted so badly to feel like you loved me that I screamed and shouted just to try and get an emotion out of you. I went the wrong way about it. I do that a lot. I'm quite a self destructive being and it pains me and others around me. I guess I don't know how to be normal and I don't know how to love with out it taking over me but I'm kind, loyal and real.
There's a darkness in me. A darkness that I hide behind, one that destroys me from the inside as I let it. That darkness should never have been your burden. Although, how can you love someone without knowing their darkness, light is seen by everyone but darkness is a secret only shared amongst those we trust. I'm escaping reality and hiding away from my problems. I can't keep doing that, it's further destruction.
I had a conversation with my Nan. We were talking about why I don't go into mental health nursing and I said it's because I want action. I don't want to be bored at a desk writing reports. Nursing will be good for me, I chose this because I was being logical. It's my way of securing a real life and a real job. If I had it my way and had the capability, which I probably do but I scrape by, I'd be a writer or a psychologist or a psychiatrist. English degrees don't get you jobs. Psychology degrees don't either, everyone studies that and no one becomes a psychologist. Let's face it, if I tried earlier in life maybe I could have been a psychiatrist but I didn't. I want to work with words and minds.
Nursing gives me a way to make up for my sins, it helps me feel good about myself. I want to make a difference in people's lives by any means necessary. One day I will. That's how I'll pay my penance. Sure the money's ok and the rewards are plentiful but it's more to make up for what an awful human being I have been. I want to help people and I guess I will. I'm going to start writing though, not just lyrics here and there. I thought up an idea for a novel years ago and every now and again I think of it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to write something that maybe no one will ever read and it'll be a poor effort but I want to do this. So now I'm sat with my family and they're not happy I've missed lesson but it's what I needed. I needed a think. I needed something to trigger my life back to order.
I wrote this while taking a short walk to my Nan's with quite a clear mind. Not that you can really call my mind clear. I'm too messy for that. One thing is certain about me though, my love for you. It's so real and pure yet so burdening. I love you. If only it wasn't so unrequited.
"I surrender who I've been for who you are
For nothing makes me stronger than your fragile heart
If I had only felt how it feels to be yours
Well I would have known
What I've been living for all along" - Sleeping at last.
I love you, thank you.
Thank you for the life you gave me.
Thank you for everything.
I love you.
Love always,
C.
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