Hey Barney,
20/05/2017
Hey Barney,
Last time we met, we shared an in love moment that ought not to have been shared. The stupid, broken, unrequited love made in the back of your car is always a mistake that I hold dearly with nostalgia. You're forgiving of my nature. We have a loveless, pointless, habitual relationship. You 'did' love me, apparently. It's 'very unlikely' for us to ever work out the way I wanted us too. That's ok. It's part of life.
I should be doing work, since I'm failing. I don't know what I'll do if I fail. The worlds not looking as bright as it once did in my dark eyes. I argued with dad today. It was horrific. My behaviour was appalling. I smashed something. A frame. A large picture on the wall.
I get so mad with the way he doesn't talk to me but rather shouts. Then calls me by my aunties name in a way that calls me 'dramatic' because I cry. He tells me my sister is the golden child. I guess I should've smashed something sooner because he apologised. I guess he didn't realise how much he hurts me. There's more too it. I'm super worried about passing this course. I'm supoer worried about my future. Where will I be? Where will I live? Will I pass? Will I fail? Will I love you forever? Will I ever be loved? Will I have a career? Will I remain worthless? All unanswerable, of course.
You don't believe I pray, so I'll tell you what I told God.
"Dear God,
I'd ask to pass this course but I know you'd only give me the opportunity to pass.
I'd ask for inner strength but I know you'd only give me the opportunity to be internally strong.
I'd ask for love but I know you'd only give me the opportunity to give love and be loved.
This is not magic.
This is not a wish granted.
Amen.
P.S. It will always remain as an opportunity"
Normally I pray for your happiness and then don't let you be happy. I went for something new, I guess.
"Your touch like a happy pill
But still all we do is fear
What could possibly happen next?
Can we focus on the love?" - Selena Gomez.
Anyway, I'm going to study.
Pray for me.
Pray I don't fail forever.
Yours,
C.
Hey Barney,
Last time we met, we shared an in love moment that ought not to have been shared. The stupid, broken, unrequited love made in the back of your car is always a mistake that I hold dearly with nostalgia. You're forgiving of my nature. We have a loveless, pointless, habitual relationship. You 'did' love me, apparently. It's 'very unlikely' for us to ever work out the way I wanted us too. That's ok. It's part of life.
I should be doing work, since I'm failing. I don't know what I'll do if I fail. The worlds not looking as bright as it once did in my dark eyes. I argued with dad today. It was horrific. My behaviour was appalling. I smashed something. A frame. A large picture on the wall.
I get so mad with the way he doesn't talk to me but rather shouts. Then calls me by my aunties name in a way that calls me 'dramatic' because I cry. He tells me my sister is the golden child. I guess I should've smashed something sooner because he apologised. I guess he didn't realise how much he hurts me. There's more too it. I'm super worried about passing this course. I'm supoer worried about my future. Where will I be? Where will I live? Will I pass? Will I fail? Will I love you forever? Will I ever be loved? Will I have a career? Will I remain worthless? All unanswerable, of course.
You don't believe I pray, so I'll tell you what I told God.
"Dear God,
I'd ask to pass this course but I know you'd only give me the opportunity to pass.
I'd ask for inner strength but I know you'd only give me the opportunity to be internally strong.
I'd ask for love but I know you'd only give me the opportunity to give love and be loved.
This is not magic.
This is not a wish granted.
Amen.
P.S. It will always remain as an opportunity"
Normally I pray for your happiness and then don't let you be happy. I went for something new, I guess.
"Your touch like a happy pill
But still all we do is fear
What could possibly happen next?
Can we focus on the love?" - Selena Gomez.
Anyway, I'm going to study.
Pray for me.
Pray I don't fail forever.
Yours,
C.
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