Erm Hey Barn,

06/05/2017

Erm, Hey Barney

So, last night was probably one of the weirdest nights of my entire life! Amazing, truly amazing, but weird nonetheless. It's so strange because the other day I was literally thinking I don't like sex with anyone but you. Honestly, I just really don't. Yesterday I shaved and got all prim and proper after work then got in bed and was asleep by 2230.

It's fate or chance that I was all prim and proper because at 0130 you called me and woke me up to meet you in Cleethorpes. I had work at 0800 but when have I ever said no to you? I got dressed, put a bit of mascara on and ran out the back door to you. I didn't wake my dad or anything. On the phone, you proper begged me to go to Cleethorpes but when I said I have work you said well go back to sleep then but not only did I long for you, I was curious. I half ran to Cleethorpes and when I got there you basically said I'd made no effort and looked like shit, especially compared to other girls who had spent hours getting ready for their Friday night out.

That stung.

You said it was weird that I actually came but it wasn't. You really looked baffled. Like I said, you asked so I did. I'd do anything for you. I offered to leave but you asked me to stay. Can you believe a night drinking with your dad ended up with you getting me out in Cleethorpes on a work night? I guess I should re-evaluate the lengths I'll go to for you.

You changed your mind through the night, you kept trying to get my hands in your pants and yours in mine. Well that's not very like you and I was definitely not up for it, you persistent bugger! You told me if I looked after myself every guy in the room would want me but I really do. I whiten my teeth and everything! I didn't really understand what you meant but you kept repeating that I don't know how good looking I am. Well it's probably because you tell me to make more effort, a lot of the time.

You really did go from 'why didn't you get dolled up' to 'you're beautiful'. You said I looked really good looking on the dance floor and I said it’s because you like it when I smile. Thanks for making me smile. You said I'd look better if I didn't pull stupid faces but that's just my emotion. I'm easy to read, my face tells you how I feel.

So, we danced a bit and from the moment you saw me you got closer and closer. You kissed me. You kissed me a lot.

You told me to walk in to the Kebab shop on my own because you wanted to see something, I think you wanted to see if other guys thought I was pretty or if I looked confident. I was just scared you'd leave. You got food and we got a taxi.

You said about how sad my life is. You said how I always have bad things happening to me. It felt like you pitied me a bit which is slightly uncomfortable. Being the absolute fool that you are, you didn't have a key. I couldn't believe you were willing to let me go back to yours and you couldn't believe I was brave enough to dare. This is because your brother and his husband were home. As if you still live with them.

You called your brother, said you forgot your key and had a surprise. He let you in and he was mad. Apparently, this is the second time this week you've woke him up to let you in. I don't think he was very happy I was there either and I wholeheartedly understand why. I'm a very awful person but I'd do anything for you.

It wasn't exactly a pleasant surprise that there was an empty condom wrapper on the floor. You said you were obsessed with me and yet you slept with a girl in the bed I bought us. That was rough. That was hard to take in. I didn't go in a mood or anything though. I kept smiling and pretending to feel ok until I was. I don't want to push you away anymore so even when you were winding me up slapping me, not hard just playfully and annoying, I kept smiling and didn't react. Even when you said I basically wasn't pretty enough, I kept cool.

You still got what you wanted though didn't you, looking back I think I was a booty call. Not ideal.

You were maddening though, you wanted to try all sorts of filth. I complied. As the love of my life, I'd do anything for you clearly. Made me feel sick though, I had to ask if you'd changed the bed sheets since you had a girl over. I didn't even ask if it was a one-night stand, if you know her, are you dating her? I wanted to. I still want to know.

So, this morning you finished what you started and dropped me off at work. Now, I miss you. I don't know where I stand and I don't want to. I'm scared I won't like the answer. So, I'll not be talking to you. Only because I'm confused so don't be offended.

I'm so confused. I miss you. I love you. I'm proud of you, proud you took me home and said you don't care what they think. I just hope it's because you're feeling free rather than numb. You hate living there and I offered for you to stay with me in the new house any time you like.

Oh, I miss you already. My heart aches for you but no matter how I feel I'm going to be happy, look happy and act happy.

You deserve better than me but I'll always hope we can try again. You'll always be my one true love and I've probably missed some stuff out on this but it was wonderful.

Anyway, that's the jist of what I remember without explicit details.

The more I remember last night, the more I'd like to forget.

"One kiss, bad for me
But I give in so easily
And no thank you is how it should've gone
I should stay strong

But I'm weak, and what's wrong with that?

Boy, oh boy I love it when I fall for that" - AJR et al.

Thank you for being wonderful.
I love you Barney, always.

Love always,
C.