Hey Barney,
28/07/2017
Hey Barney,
So, today I am having a really good, bad day. I am officially accepted as a University student. That was the good part. I am excited and extremely worried. I am worrying about friendships, finances and general life. I do not know whether I am smart enough for this or responsible enough but here goes nothing! The bad part is, I quit a job I did not like. The quitting is not the issue, the issue is that it has put a burden on my friendship with Steph. Steph has to cover the shifts I have cancelled and is not really happy with me for quitting and leaving her with more work. I have to think of myself though, I do not want to get a bad name with someone my mum was friends with and as unprofessional as they may all be, I will not stoop to that. So, that leaves issues between myself and Steph. I also come home to dad. That is not fun, he just finds joy in upsetting me and then tells me he is sorry. Sorry does not cut it. So as good as my day has been, I feel very alone and quite tearful.
Bugger that anyway! I am writing to distract myself. I have lost my work fob and should really be looking for it anyway. Everything will be fine, I am sure of it. I am going to bin a lot of my stuff soon, clothes and trinkets. Fresh start (-ish). I miss you, so much, everyday. That still feels fresh too. You messaged me today asking how big you are, there, I guessed that you were comparing with your friends without actually having to compare. I think sometimes I exaggerate how amazing you are because in my eyes you are perfect and I want you to feel perfect. I mean that in general, not because I gave you a big answer to your message.
Sometimes I do not know how I am surviving this torturous, years long, tragic break-up. I miss you every day, even now. The feeling will not fade and I am scared it never will. I should not care by now, realistically I should not have cared at all. Falling for you was completely out of character for me, unfortunately it has utterly and drastically changed my life. My world is you, you are my world. My everything. My love. My heart. Isn't it funny how one person changes everything? How giving your heart to someone twists and turns your life in ways you could never have foreseen? I wonder, how long will I love you? How many years of my life will I spend with you as a priority? While you spend no time at all prioritizing me. Why does my heart still long for you, breaking daily? How can something be so broken and still love so powerfully?
Beethoven said it best, in his letter, to his immortal beloved. If I were a smarter being, I would have wrote such a thing to you. Instead, you have this. I fear you will never love me and I can come to terms with that, if you let me go. Please, never let me go. Love me as I love you, I beg. Love me a quarter of what I love you and I will die the most loved girl in existence. You are my piece of beauty in a darkened, diminished existence. You are my darling treasure, one I can not keep but was lucky enough to have been graced by its presence within my sights. To have known you at all is such a blessing, how dare I complain that I did not receive more? Yet, I complain, quite constantly, that it was not enough. Deep in the thoughts I dare not allow, I know it was enough to know you. I hope for more but I understand how utterly blessed I am to have had you, for a while.
When I read the words I give to you, I confuse myself. Sometimes I feel adult, professing my unconditional love, quite kindly. Then there are times where I feel like a child, angry, begging for affection. I do not know who I am, adult, child, I am somewhere in between. Always longing for you, always thinking of you. My ever changing persona, my ever changing mind, my every changing everything never changes how I feel for you, loving you dearly until I my last heart beat.
My Barney, although not mine, I will love you forever. I will forever be yours.
Yours,
Regrettably, unconditionally and always,
C.
Hey Barney,
So, today I am having a really good, bad day. I am officially accepted as a University student. That was the good part. I am excited and extremely worried. I am worrying about friendships, finances and general life. I do not know whether I am smart enough for this or responsible enough but here goes nothing! The bad part is, I quit a job I did not like. The quitting is not the issue, the issue is that it has put a burden on my friendship with Steph. Steph has to cover the shifts I have cancelled and is not really happy with me for quitting and leaving her with more work. I have to think of myself though, I do not want to get a bad name with someone my mum was friends with and as unprofessional as they may all be, I will not stoop to that. So, that leaves issues between myself and Steph. I also come home to dad. That is not fun, he just finds joy in upsetting me and then tells me he is sorry. Sorry does not cut it. So as good as my day has been, I feel very alone and quite tearful.
Bugger that anyway! I am writing to distract myself. I have lost my work fob and should really be looking for it anyway. Everything will be fine, I am sure of it. I am going to bin a lot of my stuff soon, clothes and trinkets. Fresh start (-ish). I miss you, so much, everyday. That still feels fresh too. You messaged me today asking how big you are, there, I guessed that you were comparing with your friends without actually having to compare. I think sometimes I exaggerate how amazing you are because in my eyes you are perfect and I want you to feel perfect. I mean that in general, not because I gave you a big answer to your message.
Sometimes I do not know how I am surviving this torturous, years long, tragic break-up. I miss you every day, even now. The feeling will not fade and I am scared it never will. I should not care by now, realistically I should not have cared at all. Falling for you was completely out of character for me, unfortunately it has utterly and drastically changed my life. My world is you, you are my world. My everything. My love. My heart. Isn't it funny how one person changes everything? How giving your heart to someone twists and turns your life in ways you could never have foreseen? I wonder, how long will I love you? How many years of my life will I spend with you as a priority? While you spend no time at all prioritizing me. Why does my heart still long for you, breaking daily? How can something be so broken and still love so powerfully?
Beethoven said it best, in his letter, to his immortal beloved. If I were a smarter being, I would have wrote such a thing to you. Instead, you have this. I fear you will never love me and I can come to terms with that, if you let me go. Please, never let me go. Love me as I love you, I beg. Love me a quarter of what I love you and I will die the most loved girl in existence. You are my piece of beauty in a darkened, diminished existence. You are my darling treasure, one I can not keep but was lucky enough to have been graced by its presence within my sights. To have known you at all is such a blessing, how dare I complain that I did not receive more? Yet, I complain, quite constantly, that it was not enough. Deep in the thoughts I dare not allow, I know it was enough to know you. I hope for more but I understand how utterly blessed I am to have had you, for a while.
When I read the words I give to you, I confuse myself. Sometimes I feel adult, professing my unconditional love, quite kindly. Then there are times where I feel like a child, angry, begging for affection. I do not know who I am, adult, child, I am somewhere in between. Always longing for you, always thinking of you. My ever changing persona, my ever changing mind, my every changing everything never changes how I feel for you, loving you dearly until I my last heart beat.
My Barney, although not mine, I will love you forever. I will forever be yours.
Yours,
Regrettably, unconditionally and always,
C.
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