Hey Barn,
09/06/2017
Hey Barn,
Yesterday I was a shit person. I had a major melt down. I pushed you away. I screamed and I cried. I hurt myself trying to hold myself together. All in all, one of your worst nightmares. You got mad at me, second time in three years. It was because I called girls fat. You know the girls. You know why I'm bothered about it, why are you? You're OK to think I'm too fat but oh god I can't mention them everyday. You dick. I'm raging and I'm mad. I'm not psycho but you have broken my spirit. This isn't me blaming you. Maybe the kicking off was completely tactical so you'd leave my life. Not that I actually want that, I just know it's best.
"Standing in the cold,
In the frozen wind,
I'm leaving you behind,
But it's not the end" - Kygo and Kodaline.
So yeah, you wanted to take me home and you can't handle me when I'm psycho / sad. Apparently your problem is you don't hate me. With my determination and perseverance I finally got you to block my number, I just wish you'd block everything. I'm too embarrassing for us to ever work out and you're too distant. I don't want to hurt anymore, you thought I was OK but you're deluded. We all have facades, mine doesn't stay up as long as yours. I don't want to live with out you, I honestly do not want a life in which you do not participate. So, I have to push you away. I need to learn to live. I spend every day, every thing I do, trying to earn your love and be good enough. Can I just be myself?
I think I have a decent idea of what to get you for your birthday, I'll order them soon. Whether or not we're still on speaking terms. We will undoubtedly destroy each other unless we separate in every way. That's only salvageable if you want to love me. Properly. It must be all or nothing and unfortunately for me, you will never choose all. You'll never choose me, you'll just never choose. Boy oh boy, I love you so much. You cannot realize how hard this is for me. You really cannot. It's just too much. I'm constantly thinking about how you'll move on or how we'll never work and all sorts. I just do not want to be in love.
I will always love you, that is my burden.
"Took a deep breath in the mirror
He didn't like it when I wore high heels
But I do
Turn the lock and put my headphones on
He always said he didn't get this song
But I do, I do" - Taylor Swift
I don't want to push you away or not have you in my life but I think until you want me, wholeheartedly, then we must not be friends. I love you, my beautiful Barnacle. This is an utter disaster. I wish I could change some things that have happened but things are meant to be and you know what, I just am who I am. I love you regardless of any flaw. If you cannot give me the same, then we are forever nothing. I'll always be here for you.
I've got to go.
Love,
C.
Hey Barn,
Yesterday I was a shit person. I had a major melt down. I pushed you away. I screamed and I cried. I hurt myself trying to hold myself together. All in all, one of your worst nightmares. You got mad at me, second time in three years. It was because I called girls fat. You know the girls. You know why I'm bothered about it, why are you? You're OK to think I'm too fat but oh god I can't mention them everyday. You dick. I'm raging and I'm mad. I'm not psycho but you have broken my spirit. This isn't me blaming you. Maybe the kicking off was completely tactical so you'd leave my life. Not that I actually want that, I just know it's best.
"Standing in the cold,
In the frozen wind,
I'm leaving you behind,
But it's not the end" - Kygo and Kodaline.
So yeah, you wanted to take me home and you can't handle me when I'm psycho / sad. Apparently your problem is you don't hate me. With my determination and perseverance I finally got you to block my number, I just wish you'd block everything. I'm too embarrassing for us to ever work out and you're too distant. I don't want to hurt anymore, you thought I was OK but you're deluded. We all have facades, mine doesn't stay up as long as yours. I don't want to live with out you, I honestly do not want a life in which you do not participate. So, I have to push you away. I need to learn to live. I spend every day, every thing I do, trying to earn your love and be good enough. Can I just be myself?
I think I have a decent idea of what to get you for your birthday, I'll order them soon. Whether or not we're still on speaking terms. We will undoubtedly destroy each other unless we separate in every way. That's only salvageable if you want to love me. Properly. It must be all or nothing and unfortunately for me, you will never choose all. You'll never choose me, you'll just never choose. Boy oh boy, I love you so much. You cannot realize how hard this is for me. You really cannot. It's just too much. I'm constantly thinking about how you'll move on or how we'll never work and all sorts. I just do not want to be in love.
I will always love you, that is my burden.
"Took a deep breath in the mirror
He didn't like it when I wore high heels
But I do
Turn the lock and put my headphones on
He always said he didn't get this song
But I do, I do" - Taylor Swift
I don't want to push you away or not have you in my life but I think until you want me, wholeheartedly, then we must not be friends. I love you, my beautiful Barnacle. This is an utter disaster. I wish I could change some things that have happened but things are meant to be and you know what, I just am who I am. I love you regardless of any flaw. If you cannot give me the same, then we are forever nothing. I'll always be here for you.
I've got to go.
Love,
C.
Comments
Post a Comment