Hello Barney,
26/06/2017
Hello Barney,
How are you? Great I hope! So we've surpassed our 'would have been' three year anniversary of meeting. I slept a lot for that (24/06/2017) and I think spending the day in bed stopped me from being sad, due to the nice dreams. I dream of you lately, nice things like getting back together. That is probably due to Kane asking for Steph back. That happened last night and I told you about it this morning. You thought it was sweet that he realised that he did not want to be apart from her, by being apart from her. You do not know what you have got until it is gone.. We've been apart a while. There is no going back, is there? Not happening. Yet I remain hopeful (or naïve).
I made some notes last night, when I found out Steph did not jump at the chance to be back with Kane. These are the things I deemed as important for this letter, as I was half asleep:
So I have been thinking, I know you hate it when I do that. Kane wants Steph back, seriously. Steph does love him, she's been wanting him back and has done some revengeful things along this break up journey. I will not say what via this but there are things that even my conscious could not cope with doing, even after a heart break. So, back on topic, it all reminds me of us. What does not?
Steph was telling me she was unsure as what to do. She is enjoying her new found freedom. She is enjoying the party lifestyle that being utterly single has to offer. She is enjoying working hard and partying hard. She does not know if she can go back to being a housewife sort of girl. That is fair enough! I know how important it is to have a fulfilling life, it is important to enjoy yourself regardless of anyone else. So that is her dilemma. Will she lose her fun and free lifestyle by getting back with the man who broke her heart and left her. The man who wanted freedom. The man who she is 'in love with', in her words. I do not doubt her love per say, I doubt the situation. I do not think that will make sense to you but it makes sense to me.
She sent him this. I love it. This also reminds me of us except you do not want me back and I'd take you back so really it is the exact opposite but it is how I wish we were right now.
"You had a little time
And you had a little fun
Didn't you, didn't you
While you had yours
Do you think I had none
Do you, do you.
The Freedom that you wanted bad
Is yours for good
I hope you're glad" - The Beautiful South
The point I made to Steph after she told me her story was this. Is it better to be in love or to be free and happy? I would personally rather be in love. To me, love is everything. I would never refuse or reject a chance at true love. I do not think you can when you are in love, even after two years apart. I hate to be weak but I would 100% put you first; Entirely, always.
I do realise how lame I am, and yet I continue.
Back to the Steph story. She's really happy to have the control back. She's been so busy with her new job and nights out with me that she has, unintentionally, distanced herself from Kane. She also has not really been bothered by not talking to him, he however has been bothered that she has not been making conversation. He has been making the conversation. Like when I went nearly two months with out talking to you and therefore you wanted to go 'waaalkkiiies'. That was the worst timing ever for a drunk text. I do not at all mind that you have all the control. Okay, I do sometimes. The important thing for me though, is that it does not matter who has control. Our relationship is not a game, sure I'll go quiet for a while hoping you will make conversation but this really is not a game. Not to me.
I love you and I want you, most of the time. Obviously I have off days when I wish none of this was going on but as a general rule I want you. I love you. Love is so important to me. Love is the reason for everything. Love conquers all, so if we have not got back together is this love? I hope so. I hope for love and I hope for hope. I love you. I will choose you, if given the option. As much as I know that my love for you is rather meaningless to you and that you just struggle with feelings, it is all worthwhile. I love you.
I just called a Psychic, I know you'll find that stupid. It was empowering. I blocked and deleted you. You can not come first anymore. I love you. I love you more than I love myself. That is not ok. You can still talk to me, I let there be a way. I just want a bit more control. Not for the sake of games, I just can not chase you anymore.
I love you so much and when you're ready.. I will still be here.
"I'll always love you"
I'll be waiting, in the distance.
I love you.
Love always,
C.
Hello Barney,
How are you? Great I hope! So we've surpassed our 'would have been' three year anniversary of meeting. I slept a lot for that (24/06/2017) and I think spending the day in bed stopped me from being sad, due to the nice dreams. I dream of you lately, nice things like getting back together. That is probably due to Kane asking for Steph back. That happened last night and I told you about it this morning. You thought it was sweet that he realised that he did not want to be apart from her, by being apart from her. You do not know what you have got until it is gone.. We've been apart a while. There is no going back, is there? Not happening. Yet I remain hopeful (or naïve).
I made some notes last night, when I found out Steph did not jump at the chance to be back with Kane. These are the things I deemed as important for this letter, as I was half asleep:
So I have been thinking, I know you hate it when I do that. Kane wants Steph back, seriously. Steph does love him, she's been wanting him back and has done some revengeful things along this break up journey. I will not say what via this but there are things that even my conscious could not cope with doing, even after a heart break. So, back on topic, it all reminds me of us. What does not?
Steph was telling me she was unsure as what to do. She is enjoying her new found freedom. She is enjoying the party lifestyle that being utterly single has to offer. She is enjoying working hard and partying hard. She does not know if she can go back to being a housewife sort of girl. That is fair enough! I know how important it is to have a fulfilling life, it is important to enjoy yourself regardless of anyone else. So that is her dilemma. Will she lose her fun and free lifestyle by getting back with the man who broke her heart and left her. The man who wanted freedom. The man who she is 'in love with', in her words. I do not doubt her love per say, I doubt the situation. I do not think that will make sense to you but it makes sense to me.
She sent him this. I love it. This also reminds me of us except you do not want me back and I'd take you back so really it is the exact opposite but it is how I wish we were right now.
"You had a little time
And you had a little fun
Didn't you, didn't you
While you had yours
Do you think I had none
Do you, do you.
The Freedom that you wanted bad
Is yours for good
I hope you're glad" - The Beautiful South
The point I made to Steph after she told me her story was this. Is it better to be in love or to be free and happy? I would personally rather be in love. To me, love is everything. I would never refuse or reject a chance at true love. I do not think you can when you are in love, even after two years apart. I hate to be weak but I would 100% put you first; Entirely, always.
I do realise how lame I am, and yet I continue.
Back to the Steph story. She's really happy to have the control back. She's been so busy with her new job and nights out with me that she has, unintentionally, distanced herself from Kane. She also has not really been bothered by not talking to him, he however has been bothered that she has not been making conversation. He has been making the conversation. Like when I went nearly two months with out talking to you and therefore you wanted to go 'waaalkkiiies'. That was the worst timing ever for a drunk text. I do not at all mind that you have all the control. Okay, I do sometimes. The important thing for me though, is that it does not matter who has control. Our relationship is not a game, sure I'll go quiet for a while hoping you will make conversation but this really is not a game. Not to me.
I love you and I want you, most of the time. Obviously I have off days when I wish none of this was going on but as a general rule I want you. I love you. Love is so important to me. Love is the reason for everything. Love conquers all, so if we have not got back together is this love? I hope so. I hope for love and I hope for hope. I love you. I will choose you, if given the option. As much as I know that my love for you is rather meaningless to you and that you just struggle with feelings, it is all worthwhile. I love you.
I just called a Psychic, I know you'll find that stupid. It was empowering. I blocked and deleted you. You can not come first anymore. I love you. I love you more than I love myself. That is not ok. You can still talk to me, I let there be a way. I just want a bit more control. Not for the sake of games, I just can not chase you anymore.
I love you so much and when you're ready.. I will still be here.
"I'll always love you"
I'll be waiting, in the distance.
I love you.
Love always,
C.
Comments
Post a Comment